joke

Joe: “The police asked my ex why she threw a chair at me.”

Pete: “What did she say?”

Joe: “She said, “The table was too heavy to throw.”

Joe: “My wife accused me of cheating after she found the letters I was hiding.”

Pete: “What happened, Joe?”

Joe: “She said, “This is the last time I’m playing Scrabble with you.”

Joe: “My wife complained that I don’t love her relatives.”

Pete: “What did you say?”

Joe: “I told her that wasn’t true. I said, ‘I love her mother-in-law much more than I love mine.'”

Joe: “My neighbor told me she’d do things for me my wife would never do for twenty dollars.”

Pete: “What happened?”

Joe: “She ironed four shirts for me.”

Joe: “My ex called me at work and asked if I got a stabbing pain in my back as if someone was sticking a voodoo doll. I told her no.”

Pete: “What did your ex say?”

Joe: “She said, ‘Wha about now?”

Joe: My girlfriend is like Apple’s terms and conditions.”

Pete: “How so, Joe?”

Joe: “I ignore everything she says, and end up completely agreeing with her.”

Joe: “It was my girlfriend’s birthday and she asked me if I would make her breakfast in bed.”

Pete: “What did you tell her?”

Joe: “I said I couldn’t, I’d have to make it in the kitchen.”

Joe: “I was shocked when my wife told me my seven year old son wasn’t mine.”

Pete: “Were you angry?”

Joe: “No, she told me to pay more attention when I pick him up at school.”

Joe: “My son told me he had an imaginary girlfriend.”

Pete: “What did you tell him?”

Joe: “I said, ‘I saw her and you can do better.”

Joe: “The police stopped me at 2 a.m. and wanted to know if I had been drinking.”

Pete: “What happened?”

Joe: “I told them I was on my way to a lecture on drinking, lying, and infidelity. The policeman asked me where it was being held. I told him, my home.”