laugh out loud

Joe: “I figured out my job is really secure.”

Pete: “That’s great, Joe. What’s the reason?”

Joe: “No one else wants it.”

Source

Joe: “I tried to explain to my three year old son that it’s normal to poop in your pants.”

Pete: “What did you tell him, Joe?”

Joe: “I asked him to stop making fun of me.”

Source

Joe: “Time really flies at work. My day seems over almost as soon as it starts.”

Pete: “That’s great, Joe. What do you do?”

Joe:  “I snack, read Facebook, Instagram, and Tip Tok  and  see how many likes I got on my four dating apps. Time really flies.”

Joe: “I’ve got a dental appointment for my toothache.”

Pete: “Are you nervous?”

Joe: “No, I know the drill.”

Joe: “I’m teaching a math seminar to short people.”

Pete: “That’s nice. What’s the seminar called?”

Joe: “It’s called, ‘Making Little Things Count.'” 

Source

Joe: “Our marriage counselor told me I should treat my wife like it was our first date.”

Pete: “How did your respond.”

Joe: “I dropped her off at her parents.”

Joe: “Three years ago I asked the woman of my dreams for a date. Last night I asked her to marry me.”

Pete: “What did she say, Joe.”

Joe: “She said no both times.”

Source

Joe: “I went to my bus stop and there was a pregnant woman waiting for the bus. I asked her when it was due, she said, “two weeks.”

Pete: “What did you say?”

Joe: “I said,’ In that case, I’ll just walk to work.'”

Source

Joe: “My girlfriend and I went to a restaurant and the waiter asked me what vegetable I wanted for a side.”

Pete: “What did you say?”

Joe: “I wasn’t sure so I said, “Beets me.”

Source

Joe: “I’m thinking of a career switch. I want to estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events.”

Pete: “That’s interesting.”

Joe: “Any idea how many people are in that field?”